How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to Win Friends & Influence People

“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun” -John D. Rockefeller
The key to connecting with others is making them feel important. People care about their own interests and want to be treated respectfully. You must cultivate the ability to understand other people’s feelings and thoughts. The book offers concrete steps you can take in various situations. Success requires a desire to change and a willingness to practice.

Handling People
  1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
    • Criticizing will never make people like you no matter how right you are
    • People are not logical
    • Focus on understanding others
    • Anyone can criticize, but it takes character to be understanding and forgiving
  2. Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
    • We have a deep desire to be important, but it is rarely gratified
    • Best way to develop people is by appreciation and encouragement
    • Criticism kills ambitions
    • Flattery is counterfeit. Must be sincere.
    • You can learn something new from anyone
  3. Arouse an eager want
    • Talk to people about their wants and show them how to get it
    • “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own” – D.Carnegie
    • The world full of people who are self-interested.
    • The unselfish person is rare.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
  1. Develop a Genuine Interest in the Other Person
    • If you want to make friends, do things for other people that require time, energy unselfishness and thoughtfulness
    • Greet people with enthusiasm
    • We are interested in others when they are interested in us
  2. Smile
    • Your expression is more important than your clothes
    • Actions speak louder than words. A smile says “I like you”
    • The body affects the mind, people can even tell over the phone.
    • You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you
  3. Remember the Person’s Name
    • Makes them feel important
    • Ask them to repeat, if hard, ask to spell out
    • repeat over again and ingrain it in your mind
  4. Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves
    • People want an interested listener
    • To be interesting, be interested
    • listen intently by becoming genuinely interested
    • Nothing is more flattering that exclusive attention
    • If you are thinking about what to say next, then you are not listening
  5. Talk about what the other is interested about
    • Research their interests
    • People will be more agreeable
  6. Sincerely make the other person feel important
    • Do to others what you want done to you
    • “I’m sorry to trouble you”, “Would you mind?”
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
  1. Only way to win an argument is avoiding it
    • Winning an argument will never make someone liked you
    • People like feeling important and asserting their authority
  2. Never say “You’re wrong”
    • “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts”
    • Admitting you are often wrong is more likely to make them admit they can also be wrong
    • People resent being told what to do or think
    • When we are wrong, we can admit it to ourselves, but not when someone is trying to ram it down our throats
    • Ask questions, don’t imply they are wrong
    • Have tact, be diplomatic, show respect for the other person’s opinions
  3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
    • Say the things you know the other person will say before hand
    • Have courage to admit your errors
    • By fighting you never get enough, by yielding you get more than you expected
  4. Begin in a friendly way
    • People cannot act logically if they are angry
    • Friendliness, sympathy and appreciation wins
  5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
    • Don’t start discussions on things you differ about
    • People try to stay consistent. Their entire being will reject
    • Doesn’t help to argue, more profitable and interesting to look at other person’s perspective and try to get them saying “yes, yes”
    • He who treads softly goes far
  6. Let the other person do most of the talking
    • Most people trying to influence others do too much talking
    • Don’t interrupt
    • If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let them excel you
    • When you excel, some will feel inferior and envious
    • Talk about yourself less, ask about their accomplishments and joys
  7. Let the other person think the idea is his or hers
    • No one likes being sold something
    • We like to think we are buying something because we want it
    • Plant an idea casually, interest them, get them thinking about it on their own
  8. Honestly see things from the other person’s point of view
    • There is a reason people act. Find that reason
    • Putting yourself in someone’s place will sharply increase your skill in human relationships
    • Consider other people’s ideas and feelings as important as your own
    • Accepting the other’s view will open their mind to your ideas
  9. Be Sympathetic with the Other person’s ideas and desires
    • “I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I’d feel the same you”
    • Most people have a hungering and thirst for sympathy
  10. Appeal to the Nobler Motive
    • There are two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and the real one
    • Don’t emphasize the real reason, but the nobler one
    • “I know you are a man of your word”
    • Assume they are sincere
  11. Add Drama
    • Stating the truth is not enough
    • Use showmanship: vivid, interesting, dramatic
  12. Throw Down a Challenge
    • Simulate a competition
    • Successful people are not motivated by money but the game
    • People want a chance to prove his or her worth and excel
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
  1. Start with Praise and Honest Appreciation
    • It is easier to hear unpleasant things after hearing good things about us
  2. Call attention to other’s mistakes indirectly
    • Causes admiration and feeling of importance
    • Ending a statement with “but” can negate initial praise.
    • Use “And”. call attention to behavior indirectly and the person will try to live up to expectation
    • People may bitterly resent direct criticism
    • Can praise while subtlety suggesting thoughts
  3. Talk about your mistakes first before criticizing
    • Humility and praising others can turn an insulted party into a staunch friend
    • It is easier to hear criticism if the person it’s coming from admits to mistakes too
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
    • No one likes being told what to do
    • Give people the opportunity to do things themselves
    • This saves a person’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance
    • Asking questions makes more palatable and stimulates creativity
  5. Let the other person save face
    • Say you believe in them
    • Even if you are right, causing someone to lose face destroys their ego
  6. Lavish praise for improvements
    • People capitalize on the praise we give them
    • Not just a tactic but a way of life
    • See hidden potential in people
    • Abilities blossom under encouragement and wither under criticism
  7. Give the person a good reputation to live up to
    • If you set positive expectations, people will try to live up to those expectations
  8. Encourage and make the fault seem easy to correct
    • Telling someone they are dumb destroys the incentive to improve
    • Be encouraging and show them they have it in them to improve
  9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest
    • Concentrate on the benefits to others
    • Know what you want
    • Know what the other person wants
    • Show how they will benefit

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