- The New Rules
- people want to be understood and accepted
- the centerpiece of the book is tactical empathy by learning to listen
- learning to listen is not a passive activity
- it is the most active thing you can do
- life is negotiating
- negotiation serves two distinct purposes: information gathering and behavior influencing
- you get what you ask for, you just have to ask correctly
- Be A Mirror
- don’t go in with an assumption, have a hypothesis and try to validate by extracting and observing as much information as possible
- don’t prioritize your argument, focus on the other person
- identify what they need
- get to talk and talk and talk
- begins with validating their emotions and creating trust
- slow things down
- if rushed, people feel as if they’re not being heard
- passage of time is one of the most important tools for negotiators
- the voice
- people focus on what to say or do, but it’s how we are (demeanor and delivery) that is the easiest thing to enact and most immediately effective
- put a smile on your face
- most of the time use positive/playful voice
- FM DJ voice (downward inflection) conveys “I’m in control”
- Â Mirroring
- repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words)
- copying each other establishes rapport and leads to trust
- not just words but the tone
- Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
- emotions often derail communication
- instead of denying them, good negotiators identify and influence them
- tactical empathy
- understanding the feelings and mindset of another at the moment and hearing what is behind those feelings
- when we closely observe a person’s face, gestures, etc, our brain aligns with theirs in a process called neural resonance
- lets us know more fully what they think and feel
- Labeling
- verbalizing the emotions of the situation
- when you label the emotion you disrupt its raw intensity
- usually starts with “It seems like…”, “It sounds like…”, “It looks like…”
- last rule of labeling is silence / let the other person expand
- label their fears to diffuse their power
- accusation audit
- list worst things they could say about you and say them before the other person can
- prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root
- accusations often sound exaggerated when you say them out loud
- remember people want to be appreciated and understood
- Beware “Yes” –Master “No”
- pushing hard for a “yes” doesn’t get a negotiator closer to a win
- makes people defensive
- if you force a “yes”, they will back out
- “no” is where the negotiation starts
- can’t be scared of no or else no progress
- negotiation is about the other person
- trying to cram logic to get to a yes will make them defensive
- get someone feeling safe and in control by getting them to say “no”
- “no” can mean a number of different things
- not ready to agree
- you are making me feel uncomfortable
- I do not understand
- I want something else
- I need more information
- etc
- Figure out what about it doesn’t work for them or what would need to make it work
- sometimes can get them to say no by mislabeling them
- convince them the solution you want is their idea
- ask questions that open paths to your goals
- Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation
- once you convince someone you truly understand her dreams and feelings the mental and behavioral changes become possible
- that’s right
- trigger with a summary: rearticulate the meaning of what is said and acknowledge the emotions
- creates real understanding
- “you’re right” means it’s not gonna happen
- create unconditional positive regard
- the more a person feels understood and positively affirmed the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold
- Bend Their Reality
- all negotiations defined by inner desires and needs
- don’t be fooled by the surface
- try to figure out root desires
- don’t compromise
- meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides
- Deadlines: make time your ally
- the simple passing of time and its sharper cousin, the deadline, are the screw that pressures every deal to a conclusion
- makes people do impulsive things
- perception of the loss
- they are usually arbitrary and flexible
- keep in mind “no deal is better than a bad deal”
- Fair
- “fair” is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other on the defensive and gain concessions
- don’t get suckered in and give in to a concession
- ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them
- actual decisions are driven by emotion
- people hardwired to reject unfairness even if illogical
- prospect theory tactics for loss aversion
- anchor their emotions. start with accusation audit and prepare them for loss
- let other guy go first but watch out for extreme anchoring
- establish a range and make the low range high
- pivot to non-monetary terms. think about what they can offer you or you can offer them that is valuable
- use odd specific numbers. they seem more calculated
- throw in some gift
- Salary negotiation
- the more you talk about nonsalary terms, more likely you can hear the full range of their options
- e.g. if they can’t give more vacation days, maybe offer more salary
- make sure you define success for your position and metrics for next raise
- spark their interest in your success and gain an unofficial mentor
- Create the Illusion of Control
- the listener has control in the conversation
- avoid questions that can be answered with yes or tiny pieces of information
- they will want something in return
- ask calibrated questions that start with “How” or “what”, but not “why” (people get defensive)
- gives them the illusion of control
- inspires them to reveal important information
- ask questions that lead your counterpart to solve your problem
- avoid angry emotional reactions
- there is always a team on the other side
- you are vulnerable if you’re not influencing them as well
- Guarantee Execution
- “yes” is nothing without “how”
- ask calibrated “how” questions, keep them engaged, and lead them to contemplate your problems
- “how” questions can be a gentle “no” that pushes counterpart to search for other solutions (your solutions). gets them to bid against themselves
- try to identify motivations of other people “behind the table”
- ask about how this affects other people
- or if everyone is on board
- 7-38-55 Rule
- 7% of the message is based on the words
- 38% comes from tone of voice
- 55% comes from body and face language
- if the tone and body language don’t align, they can be lying or are unconvinced
- Rule of Three
- use calibrated questions, summaries and labels to get them to reaffirm the agreement at least three times
- hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction
- pronoun use
- if someone is saying “I”, “me” “my” too much the power probably lies somewhere else
- if they say “we” “they”, “them” a lot, they are likely the decision-maker
- use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side
- humor and humanity are the best way to break the ice and remove roadblocks
- Bargain Hard
- different types of negotiating styles: accommodators, assertive, analysts
- assertive styles generally don’t do that well
- analyst
- use clear data to drive your reason
- warn them of issues early and avoid surprises
- if you’re an analyst, be worried about cutting yourself off from the counterpart
- smile and try to build rapport
- time is preparation
- accommodator
- thinks of time spent as building relationship
- want to be on great terms with counterpart
- sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic, poor time managers
- ask questions that point to an implementation
- try to translate their talk into action
- uncovering their objections can be difficult
- time is relationship building
- assertive
- they want to be heard
- focus on what they have to say
- mirroring is a great tool for this type
- get them to say “that’s right”
- if you’re an Assertive, be conscious of your tone
- time is money
- don’t treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated
- taking a punch
- deflect a punch by saying no (with “how” or “why”)
- “strategic umbrage” show controlled anger at the proposal, not the person
- people will think they were being too assertive
- don’t fall victim to it yourself when counterpart does it
- have a ready-to-walk mindset
- no deal is better than a bad deal
- never be needy for a deal
- set boundaries show tough love
- never look at counterpart as the enemy
- focus on the issue to avoid emotional escalations
- ackerman bargaining
- set target price, offer 65%, then give raising increases in 85, 85, 100
- for each counter use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “no”
- use precise numbers to give number credibility and weight
- on last offer throw in a nonmonetary item (shows you’re really giving everything you can)
- makes them feel like they got every last drop
- prepare, prepare, prepare
- when pressure is on you fall to your highest level of preparation
- Find the Black Swan
- let your known knowns guide you, but keep an open mind and stay flexible
- black swans are leverage multipliers
- positive
- ability to provide or withhold things your counterpart wants
- you control what they want
- why negotiators delay making offers
- negative
- the ability to hurt someone
- be careful don’t want to take away their autonomy
- be subtle e.g. “It seems like you don’t care about the position you’re leaving me in”
- normative
- using the other party’s norms and standards
- work to understand the other person’s religion or world view
- figure out what they truly want out of life
- employ those aspirations
- review everything about the counterpart
- exploit similarity principle
- more likely to concede to someone they are similar with
- dig for what makes them tick and show you share common ground
- when someone seems crazy try to understand them
- can discover their vulnerabilites
- they can be ill-informed
- they may be constrained
- they may have other interests
- get facetime with your counterpart
- reveals more information
- can pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues
- overcoming fear and get what you want out of life
- people fear conflict so they avoid useful arguments
- will need to embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation
- pushing hard for what you believe in is not selfish
- listen and speak clearly and empathically
- treat counterparts with dignity and respect
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